the smoke has cleared

Yesterday and today were much much better. I feel totally over the frustration. I feel peaceful and normal again.

It's kind of funny. Things are not suddenly "easier" but because I took some steps towards a new routine it is all much better. How is it, with kids, that something simple that works and just clicks for so so long can suddenly change and not work at all anymore? I think I have been stuck in my mothering of a two year old and an infant and somehow missed that I now have a preschooler and a toddler. Clark and Alice just aren't the same kids they were a few months ago. They are more amazing than ever, if possible, but they require me to hide more stuff up high. And that's okay. I can do that.

(Besides, what's left for them to break? Ha ha! See, you can tell I am all the way over the camera lens because I am joking about it! I'm mostly over the camera lens. 50% over it. Okay, I'm still weeping a little but only in secret.)

I went Christmas shopping yesterday, by myself, and the whole time I was out I missed my kids. I also realized while looking at all the "stuff" out there that when I said that I only have like two things and that I need a Christmas present that I misspoke. I think what I really meant is that I only have like two things that are the kind of things that make my brain feel clicky and light ("hobbies" for those not following my bizarre language choices) and one of those things is taking pictures with my camera. The other thing is probably this blog. The rest of my "hobbies" are not actual hobbies but are rather dream hobbies and are all ridiculous and involve expensive equipment and costumes I don't own. (Yes I said costumes. DREAM BIG!) I don't think I need a "stuff" kind of Christmas present after all. I think that on Christmas morning I just want to be included. Luke could wrap one of Clark's drawings and say it's a special mommy-card and that would be just fine. Unless Santa is real and has trained his elves to make big-ticket items in which case I'll take a computer, a camera lens, a video camera, and a new refrigerator.

Oh!

But I did buy myself something when I was out yesterday.

I bought
a
really
cute
pink
flowered


(wait for it)


dish scrubber.

Yay!



PS. Luke does the dishes. I hope he likes pink flowers as much as I do.

growing tired of duct tape

Remember when I said my kids are destructive and have "broken almost everything I own"?

In the last few days the following things have been destroyed:

• A Christmas rocking horse candle holder that was mine as a child. I had it put away because I didn't want Clark to break it, but he found it in the put-away place and broke it.
• My camera. It is broken but repairable.
  
• My 50mm lens. It is broken and not repairable.
• A $78 pair of sunglasses that we were going to return.
• Our refrigerator door. It now barely closes. Clark likes to get in the fridge and get out yogurts and the occasional gallon of milk. He also likes to hang on the door and swing back and forth like it's a ride.
• The wall hanging that I made for Alice before she was born. It was made of wrapping paper and I knew it wouldn't last forever but I'm still sad it didn't last forever.
  
• A photo of me on the day I was born with the date written in the corner by my father who I have not seen since I was seven years old.
  

Let's total this up shall we?

What does priceless + $100 +78 + $500 + priceless equal?

I know you must think I am never watching my kids for them to get into all of this stuff but I am ALWAYS watching them. They are like ninjas.

.
.
.

So.

After the camera hit the floor I had a little fit during which I cried a little and then blurted out "MOMMY ONLY HAS LIKE TWO THINGS OF HER OWN AND ONE OF THEM IS HER CAMERA!" and suddenly realized that I only have like two things of my own and one of them is my camera.

I started thinking long and hard about the way I have started sacrificing things that haven't even been asked of me.

"Oh, it's okay, you can ________________ ."

(eat the rest of the food I cooked for dinner, I can find something for myself later)
(put that stuff on my side of the closet-- I barely have any clothes that fit anyway)
(have four drawers I only need one)
(take a shower with mommy if you really want to as long as you don't bring too many toys and don't yell too loud)

Stupid stuff.
Stuff no one is asking of me.

I think it's interesting.

And I think it's okay, as long as I am sincere in my oh-its-okays. As long as I can go around not resenting any of it and really being okay with the two kids in my shower and me eating string cheese while my family eats chicken with peanut sauce, then it's okay. It's motherhood, you know? Sometimes when you get done cooking you realize there just isn't enough chicken and I would honestly rather have my kids eat a home cooked meal than feed myself.

I really thought I was okay with this all and I don't know, maybe I still am okay with most of it. But when my camera was pulled from the desk drawer and thrown to the hardwood floor SOMETHING SNAPPED.

So today I cleaned our bedroom.

I moved the stuff that is not mine out from my side of the closet.

I cleared out a space where I can put things that the kids could never ever reach, even if Clark pulled the highest tallest chair over to try. (He does this.)

And even though we are dirt poor right now I AM going to find a way to buy another lens because it's Christmas and this year is not going to be another "oh, it's okay, I don't need a Christmas present" kind of years.

This year I'm getting a Christmas present. I don't even care what it is. Mommy needs more than two things.

(oh the sweet adorable naughtiness.)

I showed Clark how to use Picnik

He did the pointing and I did the clicking.

excerpt from an email i just sent my sister-in-law

Some detailed things that are frustrating me. They may paint a clearer picture of what Clark is like now, in his final month of being a two year old:

* He is incredibly destructive and has broken almost everything I own.

* He is totally in la-la land (ignoring mom land) when I take him in
public. He often lays down on the ground and ignores me and then
goes limp when I try to remove him from the ground or the paper
towel display or whatever. (He weighs like 39 pounds. That's a lot of limp
weight.)

* He takes his shoes and socks off in public. And in the car. And
in the house as we are walking out of the door. It was 25
degrees here today. Shoes are kind of important. He doesn't care
at all if he gets in trouble; he WILL do it again the next time.

* He often tells me to "stop talking" or "stop saying that" when he
is annoyed with me. After getting the "you don't talk to your
mother that way, you need to act like the good boy I know you
really are and listen up" he points me in the face and in his
meanest voice whispers, "say it quietly".

* He makes up clever lies/explanations for his behavior.

Today's Example 1: Luke told him like eight times not to stand in front of the TV and when he went back and did it the ninth time (obviously just because he was told not to and wanted to see what would happen) he was given some line about being disobedient and he said, "Dad I have to stand here because your video game is too quiet, and when I stand here I can hear it really well."

(The TV is not quiet at all.)

Today's Example 2: This morning we left the grocery store and he immediately threw himself down on the pavement (see above bullet point about laying on the ground in public).

I blurted out, "WHY ARE YOU LAYING DOWN IN THE PARKING LOT THIS IS SO DANGEROUS! CARS! DANGER! OH MY GOSH STAND UP NEVER DO THIS AGAIN!", and he stood up and very calmly replied, "The wind blew me over."

(It was not windy.)

Today's Example 3: He just took off his nice fleece Christmas pajamas and pull-up for the fourth time and when out of frustration Luke said, "WHYyyyy! NOOOOO! WHY DID HE GET NAKED AGAIN???" Clark (again, calmly) said, "I wanted to slide like a penguin with my bare tummy." Then he sang a little song that went, "slide over here, slide over there!" while sliding across the coffee table.

.
.
.


He stayed up until almost 11 tonight, taking off his pajamas and charming us out of time-outs by making up penguin songs. I finally quit putting the nice fleece Christmas pajamas back on him and instead dressed him in a Star Wars t-shirt and some silky athletic shorts and he was happy to keep them on, though he complained of being cold. This post should also serve as an explanation for why I've been slow with my posts and why I haven't read any blogs all week. I haven't showered either, so don't take it personally.

salvation army bells are ringing

Okay, so for the past few months I have been collecting hilarious/weird kitschy Christmas stuff from my favorite store, the S and A Boutique.

(The S and A Boutique is what my Grandma calls the Salvation Army. I like it.)

For your viewing pleasure, I present to you a sample of my lovely Christmas treasure.

Or as Luke calls it-- my Christmas crap.

"Happy Birthday Jesus, I hope you like crap!" was his follow up quote.

Either way, it makes me happy.



I'm kind of wishing I had had the patience to wait for good light to take these pictures, but guess what? It's only December 1st and you are going to get pictures of my Christmas crap for a whole month! Yay you.

'tis the season

That's my Papa there on the left.
If you don't think this is one of the best pictures ever, you are wrong.

like little children hiding their eyes

I was going to write a post about thankfulness.
I was going to write a post about how I got to the place I am in.
A happy Thanksgiving kind of post explaining why I love every second of what I am doing and why it all kind of feels like a surreal gift (are you rolling your eyes yet?) and why I go out of my way all the time to explain that even though I have been through a bunch of weird crap lately I AM THANKFUL for my life.

I swear I don't say these peppy optimistic things to be annoying and I don't say them because I feel like I have to say them.
I say them because I mean them.
I say them because there is a lot of joy in my house and in my heart.

I say them because I am thankful for what I have. Constantly.

I may only be 26, but I've been through stuff. The bad kind of stuff. The kind of stuff that steals your joy away from you. Even though my beloved Papa passed away and I had a miscarriage and I hurt myself all over on a dumb treadmill fall (that I am still healing from if you can believe it) all in the last three months, my joy has not been stolen. I am not depressed.
I have real, tangible things to be sad about, yes, but they are the kind of things you grieve over and you weave into your story. You cry sometimes out of nowhere and you squint really hard trying to understand and accept the realities of life. I am dealing with that. I am definitely squinting. I am not dealing with the heavy kind of stuff that threatens to break your spirit and steal your joy. I am dealing with life. I am so thankful that I get to deal with life.

So I was going to write a post about that stuff.

Then I started singing this song and I couldn't stop. I felt better about a lot of things. I sang it all night, for hours, until everyone went to sleep and my house got so quiet that my whisper-singing even seemed too loud and I stopped singing and started typing this post.

I decided not to get too ridiculously long winded in my explanation of the rainbows and bunnies I sprinkle into everything and instead just tell you to sing this song.

You will feel better too.




(Sometimes I think I missed my calling in life and should be getting paid to sit around singing songs for fun. Those jobs are pretty easy to find right? Singing a fun-to-sing song feels like a good dream and a good beer and being a kid and an old person all at the same time.)